Take It To The Limit - Get Skinny Knee Caps

No surgery.
No downtime.
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The article said Lipodissolve could melt away the pounds. Simply put, the procedure dissolves fat pockets through injections of a “synthetically produced but biologically natural entity.”

Studies show that 80% of women are dissatisfied with their appearance.

For me, it’s the mid-section. No matter how much I exercise (walk to the refrigerator) and diet (eat three ice cream sandwiches instead of five), I can’t get rid of it.

That’s why I decided to schedule an appointment for a free “one-on-one body shaping consultation.”

As I walked in the door, I was greeted with a 20-foot waterfall, and several metal sculptures of slender, naked bodies. (All women, of course…the only male in the room was on the cover of a “Muscular Fitness” magazine.) Behind the receptionist desk, I could see The Eagles Reunion Tour playing on a plasma screen.

Once I completed the necessary form, (“Place an X here if you have a big gut”), I was ushered into a room to speak with a nurse.

She explained the procedure, adding that I would experience soreness, swelling, headaches, nausea, burning sensations and an overwhelming desire to listen to Lyle Lovett. This could last up to 72 hours after each treatment. Pain and discomfort, she said, would indicate the injections were working their magic.

She inspected my thighs. “You should consider the banana procedure,” she said.

“Why? Is my fat split up too much?” She ignored my comment. Beyond the door, The Eagles continued to perform in front of a sold out crowd.

“It’s the space between your buttocks and outer thighs. Injections in this area will provide extra definition.” You can’t hide your lying thighs…

Maybe my backside could use a little definition. Then, I remembered when I was pregnant and had to get hormone shots in the rear.

Sensing my hesitation, she eyed my chin. “We also do the neck. Maybe you should consider…?” And your smile’s been disguised…

Then the office manager breezes in. She placed a payment plan brochure under my nose.

“How much does this cost?” I thought by now, you’d realize…

She paused. “Well, it depends on how many areas you want to target. It appears that you have a few…areas of opportunity. We suggest you start out with four treatments, at $2000 per area.”

“So it will cost $8000?”

“Yes,” but it is soooo worth it. I even had my knee caps done.” There ain’t no way I’ll pay this much for banana thighs…

Needless to say, Lipodissolve will have to wait. While I savor the thought of a flat stomach and the absence of love handles, my threshold for pain – including paying $8000 – is too high.

I can think of a lot of things $8000 will buy. A few mortgage and car payments. Control top panties. The Very Best of The Eagles CD.