Your Guide To Surviving A Seminar

Hello from Seattle! Right now, I’m attending a healthcare conference. If you plan on taking a seminar in the future, I’ve outlined some things you should know. Take it from someone who has…ahhh…been there.

1. Snag one of the hotel’s skimpy pads of paper to doodle and keep score. For each time a speaker says, “Uhhh” or “Ummm,” add 25 points. If the speaker utters “paradigm shift,” “soup-to-nuts” or “quick and dirty data analysis” add 50 points. Subtract 75 points when the speaker tells a good story. The person with the highest score must join the local Toastmasters chapter.

2. Sit in the back of the room. That way you can slip out when you hear, “I’m sorry, Ladies and Gentleman, but today’s scheduled speaker is ill. In his place, Mr. Dwane-Doctorate-in Statistics will present his research on the difference between using paper towels and hand dryers in hospital restrooms. Please make yourself comfortable as he loads his 165-slide Power Point presentation, using 20 different graphs to say the same thing.”

3. Get to the room early. So you don’t get stuck in the front. When the pinch-hitter speaker presents his discoveries about hospital restrooms.

4. As a precautionary measure, empty the vendor’s treat bowl into your handy dandy conference tote bag. Even if it’s only individually wrapped Tic Tacs. It’s better than elbowing your way to the dessert table only to find remnants of stale, crustless peanut and jelly sandwiches. (What is this, a PBS convention?)

5. Bring a wad of dollar bills. In hotels where the conferences are held, it’s expected that you tip everyone who comes within 15 feet of you.

6. Make new friends and network. Trade business cards. Have them stand in line for you at the dessert table.

7. Learn how to look down at your notes while dozing at the same time. Just make sure you don’t “jerk” awake, bump into the person sitting next to you, and cause her to spill coffee.

8. Always bring an extra pair of pants.

Want My T-Shirt?

His voicemail was between a message from a co-worker and a hang-up.

“Hi, Tina!” he chirped. “My name is Rick Alabaster, and I would very much like to talk to YOU. Please call me back.”

Under normal circumstances, I don’t return a voice message if the caller doesn’t state why he called in the first place. But, this wasn’t a normal circumstance. I had just returned to the office from vacation, and wasn’t quite in “work mode” yet.

So I called him.

"Oh, it’s YOU!," he said, upon picking up the phone. “I’ve heard so much about YOU. It’s a pleasure to talk to YOU.” His saccharine-laced voice was starting to irritate me.

“I’m sorry, but do I know YOU?”

“Oh, well now,” he chuckled. “I knew YOU would ask that question. I’m a headhunter, uhhh…of sorts…and YOU...come highly recommended.”

“Who recommended me? I didn’t know I was so popular.”

He erupted into peels of laughter.

Now, I know I can solicit a laugh or two during a conversation, but I’m not THAT funny.

“Oh, you’re a hoot, Tina! That’s what the person who recommended you said, too.”

Again, the mysterious recommendation. “OK, so who is it?”

Pause.

“Um,…her name is Brenda Merrrtennferrrf…”

“Hmm…” I said thoughtfully. “I don’t know any Brenda Merrrtennferrrf.”

“Oh, sure you do! She's an old friend, and says YOU would be a great edition to our team. I work for AmeriNationSnerklePlan. We’re a subsidiary of the AmeriSnerkleWerppleFund Company. Maybe you’ve heard of us. We’re in the process of opening 45 branches in the Phoenix area.”

Rick went on for five minutes, waxing about Snerkle’s greatness. But I had already figured out what he was looking for…a salesperson disguised as a financial planner. “Why don’t we set up a time for an interview? I’d love to meet YOU and talk about this opportunity.”

“Thank you for the call,” I said flatly. “But I’m not interested in working for the AmeriNationSnerklePlan.”

Rick stopped laughing.

You see, I’ve been down this road before.

Last year, I joined a Multi-Level Marketing (MLM) company that sells skin care products. Being new to MLMs, I was seduced by the idea of earning millions of dollars while sitting on the beach, sipping fruity adult beverages.

The words from my “up-line” -- also known as Vice Presidents -- still ring in my ears.

Tell them your WHY story!
DON’T mention selling or multi-level marketing.
Tell them they can make $100,000 in one year!
DON’T mention that they have to invest at least $750 of their own money.
Always remember SW x 4! (That’s short for Some Will…Some Won’t…So What?...Someone is Waiting.)

Unfortunately, no one was waiting FOR ME.

Armed with glossy catalogs, hand cream samples and blazing optimism, I met with people from my “Top 100” list. I attended training workshops sporting my oversized "SW x 4" T-shirt. I even dropped a glass bead into an old mayonnaise jar each time I got a “No, thanks.” (Some of the head honchos claimed that by the time my jar was full, I would be a Vice President.)

The weeks wore on. I had collected enough beads to string three dozen necklaces.

Now, I believe growth comes from stretching outside the comfort zone. And while I also believed in the products, (except for three garish lipstick colors and one cream blusher)it just…wasn’t…working.

I didn’t feel comfortable pursuing people and convincing them this was THE GREATEST OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME…but they had to take advantage of it before the end of the month.

That’s not to say that network marketing doesn’t work. There are many people who are quite successful at it. They have loads of Tiffany bracelets, Coach purses and fancy cars. And large families.

So, I threw out the beads and filled the jar with my toddler’s crayons.

And that’s what I thought of when Rick Alabaster started laughing at my jokes. I’ve been there. Done that.

So What…

It's Only Temporary...

No...time...to...post. Reading Harry Potter.

Haven't seen husband, kids or daylight since I started reading the book on Saturday. Be back soon!

Is The Minnow Lost?

Earlier this week, I traveled across country for a conference. As I was waiting for my departing flight back home, I browsed the airport bookstore. I saw one of my favorite books. It reminded me of an experience days earlier.

With regrets to author Mitch Albom, here are the Five People I Didn’t Want to Meet On My Airplane:

1)Mr. I’m-VERY-Important. He just made summer vacation plans in the Cayman Islands. He boasted that he got to the airport earlier than anyone else. And, to top it off, he was in a hurry to get to his destination because he had a Very Important Meeting. He didn’t TELL me any of this. We all HEARD it because he was talking so loudly on his cell phone. I wondered if anyone really was on the other end, or if he was just checking Time and Temperature.

2)Mr. I-Partied-All-Night-Like-A-Rockstar. I knew this guy was bad news when he stumbled onto the plane and fell over his own boarding pass. I eyed the empty seat next to me. “Pleasedonotsitbyme…pleasedonotsitbyme…” I said to myself as he approached my row. Bleary-eyed, he kept walking, but not before my nostrils were assaulted with a mixture of stale beer, cigarettes and Brut.

3)Gilligan. The first thing I noticed about this guy was that he wore a hat like Bob Denver from the hit TV show. Then, the SECOND our plane took off, the back of his seat took flight. Into my lap. If I would’ve been a dentist I could’ve extracted his molar. I attempted to lean sideways in my chair, groping blindly for my purse underneath the seat in front of me. At the same time, I pushed up on the back of the seat, hoping he would get the hint. He didn’t. That’s because he was 6’4 and 250 pounds. I also assumed that when you’re that big, no one is going to comment on your choice of headwear.

4)Ms. I’m-Not-Happy-Unless-I’m-Unhappy. As soon as she sat in her seat, she found an assortment of “issues.” Her tray table wouldn’t snap into its upright position. She was sure her baggage was going to get lost or drop out of the airplane somewhere over Olathe, Kansas. And she was REALLY ticked off when she found out the $10 “Fun Pack” consisted of five miniature pretzel sticks, three peanut M&Ms and a plastic fork.

5)Ms. Looky Loo. This woman, who was sitting in first class, proceeded to stare at Every. Single. Person. who boarded the plane. She sat in her over-sized seat, with a smug look on her face as The Rest of Us passed by her. Every once in a while, she would scoot away from the aisle, irritated by the thought of coming into contact with a duffle bag or USA Today. However, I had a perverse sense of satisfaction when I spotted a young mother and her baby in the seat behind Ms. Looky Loo. Did I mention this was a four-hour flight?

As soon as we landed, I got my luggage and headed toward the shuttle. As the driver took my bags, he said, “We’re a little crowded in there. I hope you don’t mind sitting in the last row.” I peered into the van, and saw someone wearing that ubiquitous white canvas hat.

I had to ask. “Does this shuttle have bench seats?”

Do I Get a Thank You for the Water?

Is it just me, or have kids lost all sense of respect?

This afternoon, my nine year-old son had his friend, Kevin, over to our house. Somehow, Kevin’s little sister Mackenzie, (two years younger) tagged along with him.

My son, rather sympathetically, said, “Mackenzie was bored at home, so she wanted to come over here and watch us play computer games.”

During the next 20 minutes, this is what transpired at my house.

MACKENZIE: “Do I have to sit ON THE FLOOR to watch them play while I'm here? Sure would be NICE to have a chair...”

ME: Uh, okay. Here you go. (I bring in my toddler’s Naughty Seat and set it down.)

MY TODDLER: Nnnnnooooo! MY NAUGHTY SEAT!

I retreat to my bedroom to tackle a basket of laundry. Then, a knock at the door.

MACKENZIE: Your dog is jumping on me. I’ve been running around trying to get away from her. Can't you do something about it?

ME: Well, you see, Mackenzie, she is a greyhound. That means she is trained to chase things that run from her. If you sit still and be REAL QUIET (pause for effect), she’ll leave you alone.

MY TODDLER: Nnnnnnooooo! MY DOGGY RUNNING!

Mackenzie eyes me suspiciously but goes back to join the boys. A few minutes later, she’s back.

MACKENZIE: I’m hungry. Is there anything I can eat around here?

ME: Why, sure! Let me get something for you. (I go to the kitchen and open the freezer, reaching behind the bag of fish sticks and carton of Slim-A-Bear bars. This is my opportunity to get rid of a box of Popsicles that have been taking up space since the Y2K scare.)

MY TODDLER: Nnnnnooooo! MY FREEZER BURNT POPSICLES!

MACKENZIE: (Turns up her nose.) No…I was wondering if you had anything else.

ME: Nope. That’s it. (I step sideways to guard my newly purchased family-size bag of Twizzlers.) But, if you’re that hungry, you can go home and have your mom make you something to eat.

MACKENZIE: Can I just have some water instead?

It's About Me, But Vote For THEM

Thanks to Heather, who’s busy running after the “Little People.” She hid from them long enough to tag me!

So, here’s a list of things no one knew about me. Until now.

•I bring home a big ol’ bar of dark chocolate and put it in the refrigerator. When it’s cold enough, I break the bar into bits and tell myself there aren’t as many calories in the small pieces. This way, I don’t feel so bad when the whole bar is gone. (Usually within 20 minutes…)
•I love baby feet. So cute!
•When I go to the check out lane, I pick the longest line so I can read the National Enquirer. My favorite issues are the ones when superstars are caught on the beach without make-up and air-brushed bodies. Ahhh…Bliss.
•I can drink 48 ounces of Diet Coke in one sitting.
•I floss twice a day…but only during the week leading up to my routine dental check-up.
•My greatest fear is that I will never get peace and quiet in the afternoons until my youngest turns 18…he just figured out how to bounce himself out of his crib and now refuses to take a nap.
•I would like to live the simple country life.
•On second thought, I would rather be on the beach.
•My dream is to be a humorist and write books that don’t end up in the bargain bin.
•I believe in New Age mumbo jumbo, and have the crystals, meditation Cd's, and dream boards to prove it.
•On that subject, I really want to practice yoga, but the closest I've come to it is stretching when I reach for the box of cookies on the top shelf in my kitchen pantry.
•Syndicated columnist Dave Barry wrote a story about me and his experience driving the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.
•I believe there’s a “special place in heaven” for people who say, “I’ll get back to you on that.” And never do.
•I was terrified when my youngest son was born premature. Today, he is a happy, healthy toddler, but the experience changed my life.

Instead of tagging another blogger, I'm suggesting a way for you to help people still dealing with the devastating effects of Hurricane Katrina. Phoenix of New Orleans is a great cause! Please vote for them (each day!) so they can receive funding to continue rebuilding the homes and lives of the people in New Orleans. (Please note you will have to create a log in the first time you visit.)

Thanks for your support!

Is The Answer My Friend...Blowin' in the Wind?

I’m taking a break from my usual witty/inspirational/”What is she talking about?” routine. I have a critical situation going on here.

I have stumbled upon one of life’s greatest mysteries.

I’m hoping one of you dear readers can answer this question for me. Are you ready?

… … …

WHY DO PEOPLE THROW SHOES ONTO A POWER LINE?

I live in the desert. There are a lot of power lines that dot the landscape. Within the past two weeks, I’ve been in three different parts of town. I look up, and there’s a pair of shoes, tied together at the laces, dangling in the breeze.

This perplexes me. I’m a believer in signs, but I just can’t seem to figure this one out.

Is it just me?

Have YOU ever looked up to see a pair of shoes swaying to and fro? And, from my keen observation, it’s never a pair of golf shoes, cowboy boots or those ubiquitous black pumps.

It’s always a pair of tennis shoes.

I wonder what motivates someone to do such a thing.

Maybe that’s what teenagers are doing for kicks these days. I picture a bunch of young rebel rousers, sitting around in a circle, slamming Red Bull and watching “Pimp My Ride” on television.

One of them suddenly gets a bright idea. “Hey! Why don’t we take a pair of perfectly good shoes and toss them onto a powerful cable that transmits enough electricity to fry us like eggs on a sidewalk in Phoenix?” (Yes, you can cook your entire breakfast on the street right now…but that’s beside the point.)

The other dudes nod together in a stony silence, grunting something like “Yo yo yo! That’s PHAT!” before they head out the door, barefoot but full of ambition.

Or…maybe the shoes were put there by my power company. It’s an experiment to see if the rubber soles can transmit energy faster, better, and cheaper for its customers.

Yeah, right. I didn’t think so, either.

I admit, it takes talent to hoist those shoes up there and have one land perfectly on each side of the line. But, why shoes? Doesn’t it seem like there are other staples that would make more sense? I never see any clothes, books, cell phones or George Foreman grills up there.

So, what’s going on here? Have we become a nation that would rather have our old shoes cohabitate with birds, rather than giving them to a friend or donating to a thrift shop?

If you have any thoughts on this phenomenon, PLEASE let me know.

In the meantime, I have to make dinner for my kids. I wonder how high a Kiddie Cuisine box can fly in the air…

Today is the future I created yesterday

I found this quote in one of my day-by-day desk calendars. I liked it so much, I ripped it out and stuck it on the bulletin board in my home office.

It reminds me that we have the power in the present moment to create what we want in our lives.

Do you know someone who is just “waiting” to be happy? Maybe she will be happy when
...her co-workers change for the better.
…her kids get older.
…she loses those extra 15 pounds.

The truth is, you can choose to live a happy and fulfilled life – RIGHT NOW.

Regardless of how your kids behave in public, how much you want your spouse/significant other to pick up his socks, or how you will make that big purchase WHEN you win the lottery.

Yes, external factors can frustrate you. However, by staying in the present moment, you can choose happiness by directing your thoughts to be more productive.

Consider this. If every one of your thoughts was a seed you were planting for the future (say, tomorrow), what will you harvest? Will your garden bear delicious, ripe fruit…or will you be left with a fistful of weeds?

Here are some ways you can stay in the present moment, and sow the seeds of success:

• Choose a theme for the day. I keep a cup full of angel cards on my nightstand. Each card has one word, such as “Purpose,” “Humor,” or “Adventure.” Each morning, I randomly select a card which is my lesson for the day. Without fail, the message is played out sometime during the day. For instance, one morning I picked “Education.” That same morning, I met Sheri, who told me how she started a blog, and gave me tips on starting one of my own. There are a variety of cards on the market today, so you can choose a deck that appeals to you.

• Use your listening skills. By this, I mean REALLY listen to what the other person is saying. Admit it…we are usually our favorite topic of conversation. But, for one day, listen to the other person without wanting to interrupt with your own stories or thoughts. After the conversation, bring to mind at least three things the other person said. Hint: If you can’t remember at least three things, you probably talked too much.

• At the end of the day, take a few minutes release any regrets or resentments. Think about those who are frustrating you. Then, ask yourself what they are teaching you. Say to yourself, “I no longer allow myself to feel ______ (upset, sad, angry, etc.) about this situation with _____ (person). I bless you and release you in peace.” This is a great nighttime ritual, as it cleans the slate so you can start the next day on a positive note.

Last week, I went to my local library.

My two young sons in tow, I gathered our books (one about how to make monster snot, the other about the Berenstain Bears) and was heading toward the check out counter when I noticed two aisles of music CDs.

Always eager to download albums into my iPod, I began searching through the titles. My nine year-old son held up a CD and said “Mom? Can we get this one?”

I glanced at the title. “The Complex by the Blue Man Group? Oh, I don’t think so! Not those clowns with the blue faces.” I had seen a glimpse of their performance on television, and I just didn’t get them.

Yet my son, who is at the age where every sentence sounds like a question, was persistent. “This girl? Who’s in my class? She says her parents went to Las Vegas and saw them. She’s also going to Orlando this summer? And she’s going to see them there, too. She says they’re really, really good”

Since the library had a 10-CD limit, I decided one bad CD out of ten wouldn’t be a big deal.

I was soooo wrong.

From the moment we played the first song, I was hooked.

If you aren’t familiar with Blue Man Group (or BMG, as they are called), the music has great electronic beats. I’m now a bona fide BMG fan, just like the rest of those crazy people I see hopping around at their concerts.

I listen to BMG in my car. On my iPod. In my head. (The last one was a little difficult this morning when I was trying to sing the Lord’s Prayer in church, but I found a way.)

The second song on the CD is called “Time To Start.” It’s a fast-paced song that gives four tips for “rock concert movements.”

The first rock concert movement is “Basic Head Bob.” My son and I blasted this song over and over, rapidly jerking our heads back and forth. We had a great time!

Until the next morning, when I woke up with a stiff neck. And sore shoulders. And limited peripheral vision.

I was reminded of a valuable lesson…and I don’t mean refraining from taking more than six painkillers with a 24-hour period.

As parents, my husband and I make every attempt to provide those AHA! moments for our children. We take them to sporting events, attend arts performances and encourage them to read a variety of books. By doing so, we hope they will do or see something that plants the seeds for future learning and personal interests.

While I think that WE must provide the lessons, I was reminded that children are OUR greatest teachers, as they can quickly move us out of our comfort zones.

Sore muscles aside, I’m grateful my son picked out that BMG CD. Who would’ve thought that three men with blue faces could bring us together to imitate rock concert movements like One-Arm Fist Pump (#2) and Jump Up and Down Motion (#3)?

What’s more, I now have a favorite new music group that I can listen to when I’m on the treadmill. (So I know I’ll listen to them at least twice a month.)

And the next time my son suggests a CD I haven’t heard before, I won’t be so fast to dismiss it. After all, we need to know what music our children are listening to and the messages they’re receiving. And, if we can like some of the same tunes, that’s pretty cool.

Sadly, I know the time will come when we’ll be on opposite sides of the spectrum in music selections.

But for now, I have a much bigger problem. I’m working on rock concert movement number #4…Behind The Head Leg Stretch.

Were you LUCKY enough to live in the 80s?

I just saw a TV commercial encouraging me to go to the casino tomorrow, as the date will be 7/7/07. That's a lot of lucky 7s in a row.

While I don't plan on breaking out the nickel rolls, I did find the Madonna impersonator singing "Lucky Star" to be quite humorous.

I got to thinking about where I was when I last danced to that song...(late 80s...high school gym...possible "Flashdance"-like shirt with neck and sleeves cut off.)

If you were also a part of the 80s, you probably:

·Sported a white T-shirt with big neon green letters that shouted, “Frankie Says RELAX.”

·Brought your bright red Trapper Keeper to school with you. (It was handy to save all of those “Just Say No” fliers the teachers distributed in class.)

·Rushed home (sometimes to an empty house) after school to watch MTV, and videos like “Video Killed The Radio Star” by The Buggles, “Photograph” by Def Leppard, and and “Always Something There To Remind Me” by Naked Eyes.

·Remember where you were when Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video debuted on MTV.

·And, if you didn’t have MTV, you probably watched the ABC Afterschool Specials.

·Saw at least one episode of “American Bandstand” (loved those dance competitions!) “ALF,” “Punky Brewster,” “Silver Spoons” and (yeeeeeehaww!) “Dukes of Hazzard.”

·Laughed at the thought of anyone watching Sesame Street, although you could still remember when Aloysius Snuffleupagus wasn’t known as just “Snuffy.” (And thank goodness Elmo came later!)

·Loved movies like “ET,” “Back to the Future” and “Top Gun.”

·Played with Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake, Rainbow Brite and Cabbage Patch Dolls; and probably had a Lite-Brite, Big Wheel, Easy-Bake oven and a Snoopy snow cone machine.

·Passed the time by playing Candy Land, UNO, Clue, Mouse Trap, Operation or Hungry Hungry Hippos with your friends.

·Were lucky if you had an Atari that allowed you to play Pacman. If not, you sauntered down to the local arcade to play Centipede, Q-Bert, Donkey Kong and Mrs. Pacman.

What Would Wonder Woman Say?

Over the weekend, I saw clips from the movie, “The Incredibles." I’m not necessarily a big fan of the movie, but the plot is kind of cute. I also like the baby, Jack-Jack, as it reminds me of my own live-in dynamo, a two-going-on-22-year-old with the same name.

After seeing the movie, I got to thinking about what it would be like to have superhuman abilities.

Who wouldn’t want to have SUPER powers like squeezing into last year’s swimsuit, enjoying raw vegetables without Ranch dressing and finding the time to finish the July issue of your favorite magazine? (That would be the July 2006 issue, by the way.)

So now, I have a question for you to think about…

IF YOU COULD CHOOSE ONE SUPERHUMAN POWER IN THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

For me, I would have the ability to ZAP! the most painful memory a person has and give him/her the opportunity to rewrite it or remove it completely. I know that a painful experience can give us an opportunity to grow. It can also be the most appropriate teacher for a lesson we must learn about life. And then sometimes, it is not. That’s when giving a person the choice about how he/she wants to confront a situation can empower them to move ahead without pain, resentment and regret holding them back.

Now, if THAT superhuman power was already taken, then my SECOND choice would be the ability to permanently remove back fat caused from ill-fitting bras -- including my own -- and banish it forever to the Land of Supermodels.

What about you?

So This Girl Walks Into A Labyrinth...

Amazing. Unbelievable. Was that a typo?

These are some of the e-mails and comments I received after my last post about attending a silent retreat.

Allow me to set the record straight.

Yes. I went TWO WHOLE DAYS without talking. Except for the brief time I spent hiking in the surrounding desert. I tripped on a rock and got walloped in the face by a Velvet Mesquite branch. At that point, I started swearing out loud.

However, the silent retreat was a wonderful experience. I highly recommend it. It was relaxing and peaceful.

But I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that I had a spiritual experience when I was there. This event was so unique and SACRED, but I feel I must share it with you. After all, what happened to me should be noted in all New Age books.

And that note would be, “Tina Miller-Steinke is the first woman ever to be kicked out of a labyrinth.”

But let’s start at the beginning…

“Find inner peace! Joy! Enlightenment! Resolve the questions in your life!” The crinkled brochure beckoned me from the stack of reading material atop the desk in my guest room.

I studied a picture of the labyrinth on the front cover. It showed a dirt circle, separated into corridors by rocks of various sizes. In the middle was a boulder, big enough to sit on.

Unlike a maze, a labyrinth has only one way in and one way out. The center of the labyrinth can be likened to going within the interior of your soul. By moving through the circular path, you can face fear, doubt and frustration…replacing it with contentment, love and happiness. Once you’re in the center, enlightenment is sure to follow.

At least, that’s what the brochure said.

Eager to find out what I could do with the rest of my life, I decided to try it.

On the way to the labyrinth, my mind was jumbled. What should I ask about? What did I want to know? What does the future hold for me and my family? Why was my last supervisor such a psycho? Would Frankie Goes to Hollywood ever schedule a reunion tour?

Squinting my eyes against the late morning sun, I read the fine print on the tattered brochure.

Prior to entering, open your mind and allow thoughts to drift in and out as you make your way through the labyrinth. Perhaps you want to pose a question as you enter. Listen for the answer.

I wanted to make it simple, so I decided to ask, “What is the meaning of my life?”

I stepped into the labyrinth. I took a deep breath and began to follow the rocks that lined my way. And listened…for the first thing that popped into my mind.

Cotton candy.

I quickened my pace and rounded another corridor.

Cotton…candy? You mean to tell me that I ask for the meaning of my life and I get…cotton candy? Does that mean my life is full of fluff?

I proceeded along the circular path, but by now, I couldn’t concentrate. I’m thinking that the meaning of my life is about a sticky substance most people try to pass off as food.

Out of frustration, I felt like kicking the rocks out of their pristine order. Then, I remember I’m supposed to remain calm and wait for inner guidance along my way to the middle.

My mind drifts back to the cotton candy. Do they still make it in a blue and pink swirl? I start thinking of the last time I even ate cotton candy.

It was 1976.

My mom took me to a carnival in the small Missouri town where we lived. Always the gourmet carnival food connoisseur, I dined on a greasy fish sandwich and lukewarm grape soda that night. No meal at the local yokel fair is complete without cotton candy, and I made mine a double.

A few minutes later, I thought it would be a good idea to go on the Ferris wheel. A few seconds after that, the ride operator found out it was a bad idea to be standing underneath my lucky bucket.

Sickness. I rounded a corner in the labyrinth. Maybe my life needs more vitality?

I ruminate on the symbolic meaning of my life as it relates to junk food and angry carnies.

Then, I look down and notice I’ve changed directions.

And just like that, I find myself at the entrance of the labyrinth. This big dirt circle just KICKED ME OUT! How could that be…I didn’t even get to the middle!

I scour the brochure. Unfortunately, it doesn’t offer any advice about what to do when you’re bounced out of the labyrinth before making it to enlightenment.

I sat on a nearby bench, knowing what happened. My life’s purpose wasn’t about the cotton candy or the carnival ride. My hasty exit was the Universe’s way of showing me that I need to quiet the chatter in my head before I can listen to the guidance from my heart.

Because I wasn’t paying close attention, the labyrinth found a way to escort me out until I was ready to go in with an open mind.

I weighed my options. I could go back to my room and count mini-soaps. Or, I could enter the labyrinth again, focus my intention, and release the thoughts that didn’t serve me on the way to the center.

I decided to enter again. And this time, I made it to the middle! There wasn’t a great "AHA!" moment, but I sat on the boulder for at least 30 minutes. I expressed appreciation for the blessings in my life, and asked for continued support with recent changes.

That was in January. Six months later, my life is much different. I believe it was the act of releasing that helped me gain clarity in my life. For example, within weeks of sitting on that rock, I found a new job in a healthcare/non-profit, two fields that always interested me.

But some things never change.

Yesterday, I was grocery shopping and came upon a woman who was giving away samples of “fun foods” for the Fourth of July.

“Would you like to try some?” she asked, holding out a paper cup of cotton candy.

Of course, I took it. After all, I’ll do anything to get to the bottom of a pink and blue swirl.