Is The Minnow Lost?

Earlier this week, I traveled across country for a conference. As I was waiting for my departing flight back home, I browsed the airport bookstore. I saw one of my favorite books. It reminded me of an experience days earlier.

With regrets to author Mitch Albom, here are the Five People I Didn’t Want to Meet On My Airplane:

1)Mr. I’m-VERY-Important. He just made summer vacation plans in the Cayman Islands. He boasted that he got to the airport earlier than anyone else. And, to top it off, he was in a hurry to get to his destination because he had a Very Important Meeting. He didn’t TELL me any of this. We all HEARD it because he was talking so loudly on his cell phone. I wondered if anyone really was on the other end, or if he was just checking Time and Temperature.

2)Mr. I-Partied-All-Night-Like-A-Rockstar. I knew this guy was bad news when he stumbled onto the plane and fell over his own boarding pass. I eyed the empty seat next to me. “Pleasedonotsitbyme…pleasedonotsitbyme…” I said to myself as he approached my row. Bleary-eyed, he kept walking, but not before my nostrils were assaulted with a mixture of stale beer, cigarettes and Brut.

3)Gilligan. The first thing I noticed about this guy was that he wore a hat like Bob Denver from the hit TV show. Then, the SECOND our plane took off, the back of his seat took flight. Into my lap. If I would’ve been a dentist I could’ve extracted his molar. I attempted to lean sideways in my chair, groping blindly for my purse underneath the seat in front of me. At the same time, I pushed up on the back of the seat, hoping he would get the hint. He didn’t. That’s because he was 6’4 and 250 pounds. I also assumed that when you’re that big, no one is going to comment on your choice of headwear.

4)Ms. I’m-Not-Happy-Unless-I’m-Unhappy. As soon as she sat in her seat, she found an assortment of “issues.” Her tray table wouldn’t snap into its upright position. She was sure her baggage was going to get lost or drop out of the airplane somewhere over Olathe, Kansas. And she was REALLY ticked off when she found out the $10 “Fun Pack” consisted of five miniature pretzel sticks, three peanut M&Ms and a plastic fork.

5)Ms. Looky Loo. This woman, who was sitting in first class, proceeded to stare at Every. Single. Person. who boarded the plane. She sat in her over-sized seat, with a smug look on her face as The Rest of Us passed by her. Every once in a while, she would scoot away from the aisle, irritated by the thought of coming into contact with a duffle bag or USA Today. However, I had a perverse sense of satisfaction when I spotted a young mother and her baby in the seat behind Ms. Looky Loo. Did I mention this was a four-hour flight?

As soon as we landed, I got my luggage and headed toward the shuttle. As the driver took my bags, he said, “We’re a little crowded in there. I hope you don’t mind sitting in the last row.” I peered into the van, and saw someone wearing that ubiquitous white canvas hat.

I had to ask. “Does this shuttle have bench seats?”