Your Guide To Surviving A Seminar

Hello from Seattle! Right now, I’m attending a healthcare conference. If you plan on taking a seminar in the future, I’ve outlined some things you should know. Take it from someone who has…ahhh…been there.

1. Snag one of the hotel’s skimpy pads of paper to doodle and keep score. For each time a speaker says, “Uhhh” or “Ummm,” add 25 points. If the speaker utters “paradigm shift,” “soup-to-nuts” or “quick and dirty data analysis” add 50 points. Subtract 75 points when the speaker tells a good story. The person with the highest score must join the local Toastmasters chapter.

2. Sit in the back of the room. That way you can slip out when you hear, “I’m sorry, Ladies and Gentleman, but today’s scheduled speaker is ill. In his place, Mr. Dwane-Doctorate-in Statistics will present his research on the difference between using paper towels and hand dryers in hospital restrooms. Please make yourself comfortable as he loads his 165-slide Power Point presentation, using 20 different graphs to say the same thing.”

3. Get to the room early. So you don’t get stuck in the front. When the pinch-hitter speaker presents his discoveries about hospital restrooms.

4. As a precautionary measure, empty the vendor’s treat bowl into your handy dandy conference tote bag. Even if it’s only individually wrapped Tic Tacs. It’s better than elbowing your way to the dessert table only to find remnants of stale, crustless peanut and jelly sandwiches. (What is this, a PBS convention?)

5. Bring a wad of dollar bills. In hotels where the conferences are held, it’s expected that you tip everyone who comes within 15 feet of you.

6. Make new friends and network. Trade business cards. Have them stand in line for you at the dessert table.

7. Learn how to look down at your notes while dozing at the same time. Just make sure you don’t “jerk” awake, bump into the person sitting next to you, and cause her to spill coffee.

8. Always bring an extra pair of pants.